As long as I can remember, I have struggled to sustain positive thinking. I suppose it could be part of my personality, or just part of my sin life, but thinking about things positively and hoping for the best, has never been my gig. I think I have used negative thinking as a way to motivate myself to do better and be better. For a long time, that was how I was motivated. The fear of failure motivated me to work harder than everyone else and therefore, achieve more.
Ironically, while working for a pharmaceutical company that makes depression meds, I realized that what I had been dealing with my entire life is actually called, depression. More specifically, my generally mild but chronic depression is called, dysthymia. I am 38 and finally wrapping my mind around what it means to live with this day in and day out. Year in and year out.
Depression/dysthymia feels similar to the feeling you have when you know you should go to the gym. You know you SHOULD go, but you don't really want to. Now apply that feeling to every feeling you make during the day and that is how someone with depression feels. It takes all the energy you have to do the things you should do in a day. At the end of the day, you get little to no enjoyment out of all the stuff you are pouring all your energy into, to just finish. It's hard. Really hard.
Over the past several years, I have learned what I need to keep my mental health in check. I look at it as a formula or recipe. Rest+Sunshine+Exercise+Medicine+Time with God+Time with Girlfriends = Good mental health. You could say that I come to this conclusion after stumbling across the phrase "self care," and wondering what in the world that means. I have since discovered, that if I have everything I need in my formula, my mental health is not nearly as compromised.
Over the past few days, I have been struggling. The Coronavirus has everyone locked inside and I can't meet with my girlfriends. I have been thinking about the difference between happiness and joy. I have been contemplating "the joy of the Lord." I have been wondering how to define that and how to obtain that on a regular basis.
I feel like overall, God is wanting me to change my perspective. He is wanting me to shift my way of thinking from, "what should be, but isn't," to "what is, in anticipation of what He will do." This "renewing of my mind" will not be easy. Luckily, I am reminded that I am not alone in this journey. That I have a God who cares and is with me each step of the way.
